I could have been more. I could have done more. I could have seen more. I could have said more. I could have had more. I could have given more. I could have received more. I could have prayed more. I could have been more.
Who doesn't think of these things? Or am I the only one…
I sit on a beach in southern Thailand, some would call it paradise, I call it reflection time. I don't spend much time alone, it usually leads to a dark side of me because I don't like to be alone. I start thinking about life far too much. I think of what could have been. The “what if's” of life often overtake me, leading to regret and confusion, nearly depression at times. I've learned to walk away from those feelings at times, because I know that God would never give us feelings of regret, confusion, or depression, rather it's from the enemy, the very one I need to push out of life every day.
What if I had never left teaching? What if I had stayed in Ohio? What if I had never left the USA? What if I had not moved to Thailand? What if I had… My list of what if's could form a scroll 12 miles long…
I wish I could say that the answers I normally think were the true answers, but if I'm honest I have answers that often leave me empty inside.
…I would have paid off my student loans by now… …I would be closer to my family… …I would have more consistency in life… …I would have more friends… …I would be married… (ok, maybe not…) …I would have…
Last night, however, something changed. Something inside me clicked as I sat among a Russian couple, a couple Americans, and a couple from South Africa. I loved where I was in that exact moment, but something really clicked. A beautiful young girl walked in selling flowers…maybe 4-5 years old. This is totally normal in Thailand, but something deep within me said that she NEEDED to sell those flowers tonight. I took God's prompting, (normally I'm not a huge fan of buying things like that, but tonight I knew I should) and bought every flowery lei she had..maybe 8 of them. It cost me less than $10 in all, I gave them all away to those I was sitting with..that wasn't anything special. The look and slightest grin of relief said everything that was needed to me. I may never know why she needed to sell those flowers, but she did it. I have my own answers in my head…and the simple fact that she didn't respond to any of my few thai phrases I tried on her (she likely want a thai child), but in that moment, I knew the answers to all those questions.
God needed me to.
I may have done a lot of things in life selfishly, and may have a list of regrets, but the truth is, it may have all led to that exact moment. the moment God screamed in my ear to do something that I did, and it honestly simply led to love. (I really didn't want the flowers if I'm honest…) It all led to a great conversation at the table, that's a whole different story though.
Merry Christmas! I pray this Christmas is one filled with blessings for all of you!
If you didn't receive one of my newsletters I just sent out, please send me your e-mail address as I'd LOVE to update you on what's been happening in Northern Thailand!
As a word of advice, don't read this blog yet, wait until after Christmas. It's not particularly a happy-go-lucky blog, so wait until later to read it if that bothers you!!!
I decided at the last moment to go to a Christmas eve service in Chiang Mai. I didn't know anyone, and didn't really care at the moment. During the drive there, I knew it wasn't going to be like any Christmas eve I've ever experienced...and it had absolutely nothing to do with the church service at all. I just knew from deep within that something was different. I had looked at a map before leaving and knew several of the streets near the church, so I somewhat guessed my way there, only making one wrong turn kind of impressed me!
It had nothing to do with that either though.
On the way, I passed bars. Not the kind of bars you'd expect too drive past on Christmas eve (if there is such a thing), but prostitution lined the streets, women sat on chairs along the road, many wearing 'Santa Hats'. It wasn't the part of town I thought to be the red-light district, but it wasn't a clean part of town either. It bothered me, although I know it exists here in Thailand...there's almost nowhere in Chiang Mai that escapes it, but I just wasn't expecting it on the way to Christmas eve candlelight service. It bothered me.
I continued onward, down the street where a few extremely intoxicated guys stumbled out of the bar and into the street causing me to swerve to miss them. Another bout of insanity that bothered me, but again, it's all over the city, so as normal I moved onward as the church had to be less than a quarter mile away.
Sure enough, I found the church...snagged a parking spot in the entrance and called it good enough (it's Thailand, you can park where you want...kinda...). I was relieved it was a large church service with tons of people, as I realized I was 15 minutes late and didn't want to cause a disruption. On my way, I felt something different again. I was bothered by the fact that I hadn't dressed in my best attire as I assumed many of the others had. I may have been slightly under-dressed...which normally wouldn't bother me, but for some reason tonight it did. I almost turned back, but started thinking about it for a minute...I had just gone through all I went through, and all the sudden felt unworthy to go to church on Christmas eve because I had on shorts instead of something 'dressy'? I went on, was dressed just fine, nobody cared what I was wearing at all...and really I fit in. (with the slightly under-dressed crowd anyway).
I was glad to realize it was a fully English church service, as close to something you'd expect in America as I could ask for. I was glad to sing the normal Silent Night and Hark the Herold Angels Sing...I won't go into the rest of it!
After the service, the insanity just continued. On the way home, I got caught in traffic. I thought it was normal as again, I'm not usually out late and don't think much of crazy traffic here anyway. It took a minute. Then I saw the flashing lights. It didn't take long for me to creep up on the scene of the accident, complete with another victim of a traffic accident that didn't survive. It's all too common here.
I did the only thing I knew to do, said a prayer and moved on...something I do a lot here, wondering what's next, what happens with those prayers, and bothered thinking about people's families and what how they are impacted by everything. I'm learning slowly that often times all we have is prayer, and a drop of faith has to go a long way. I really had no point to push writing this blog, I simply came home, and had to process some of it all...and figured why not write about it.
It's been a long but great couple weeks since I've last updated anyone on anything, so for my dedicated blog followers, supporters, friends, family, and whoever else comes across my blog, here is what I've been up to!I moved into a house, which will be a community house for the other people coming to serve the Wards and the ministry they have going on, as well as a place for teams to stay when they first arrive. I'm excited to be in living very close to the heart of Chiang Mai, and for the first time in months it felt good to put what little I brought with me into furniture! After living out of suit cases for far too long, I welcome this bit of stability in life!A short 2 days after "settling in" we left again. I left with Ray and his friend Trent to start a 2+ week outreach into some remote villages in Northern Thailand, places I fell in love with when I was here 2 years ago. We first found ourselves on a boat along the Thailand border to a village only accessible by boat 10 months out of the year, VILLAGE NAME. It's not a real touristy village, in fact, you kind of have to know what to ask for to get there. We got there got our tents setup, and got started with building some new relationships, some with the kids of the village, some with teachers at the school. The next morning we were given complete freedom to do a Christmas outreach at the school for around 70 kids, here's a few pictures from our time there!After a full morning there, we ventured back up river and received a team of college students from Bangkok that will travel with us for much of the rest of our outreach time, it is awesome working alongside some Thai students that are wanting to serve their own country! We started our time off with a little bit of fun going on a cave hike...Soon thereafter we found ourselves on one of the most insane drives up a mountain to likely the most remote village on top of a mountain I've ever been to. We were warmly greeted by the village pastor of this village of around 15. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like I was in heaven, it s some of the most incredible views I've seen anywhere in the world. It was simply amazing sharing some time worshiping God, singing Christmas carols, and standing in awe of the amazing stars that you can only experience on the top of a remote mountain hours from any major city.This is only a quick overview of what I've been up to, including some pctures, along with some of the great happenings, I admit that there have been some hard things to deal with, some far more serious happenings of which I'll go into detail more as I have some time to write, look for more blogs coming very soon with more detailed stories of Godly encounters we've had along the way...some amazing stories of God showing up in very unexpected ways...It's the holidays, please consider giving to my support account to help further the Kingdom! support.markstratmann.com
Blog...remembered
Something happened today, something I was never ever expecting. It was one of those times when something minor happens and you just can't stop thinking about it.
I was getting my morning routine started with a simple walk to the 7-11 in search of something to eat for breakfast that wouldn't make my stomach turn when I was interrupted by a guy walking out of a building calling out my name. I knew this man from when I was here 2 years ago, but never ever expected him to remember me, there are hundreds of teams that flow through that building every year after all...but of everyone, after 2 years, this guy called out my name. He remembered my name.
When I was a teacher at a middle school, I would have classroom after classroom full of students, all staring at me on the first day as I read down the names on my roster, the entire time wondering how I'd ever remember their names...and sadly I was never the best at that, I can remember a face for years, but names don't stick with me unless I have some reason for it to stick with me. A memory, a victory, something has to happen for me to remember each of the names. This man remembered my name.
It wasn't until after a sweet Thai hug that I realized just what that meant to me. By this man that I remembered for all the things he did for my and my squad 2 years ago, I was remembered.
I have a horrid fear in life of being forgotten about, and at that moment I was experiencing a friend. A friend who expected nothing from me. A friend who was so excited to see me that he left his agenda that moment to simply say hi to me. I hadn't talked to him in nearly 2 years, and walking down the street, he noticed me, and came running to me, all in a moment where nothing else seemed to matter to him. He remembered me.
It wasn't until I was on a bus later that day thinking about those few moments that it had really sunk in just what that meant to me. I was remembered.
It was at that moment I felt like none of my worries mattered, I felt a loving embrace of someone that really I have never done anything for, I felt the excitement someone had just to see me again. Of all the people, he remembered me.
He remembered me.
In the crowd, he called out my name.
In the sea, He looked for me.
When admittedly, I wasn't looking for Him, He found me.
When I was walking down the street, He found me.
I'd done nothing for Him, He still remembered me.
Something happened today, something I was never ever expecting. It was one of those times when something minor happens and you just can't stop thinking about it.
I was getting my morning routine started with a simple walk to the 7-11 in search of something to eat for breakfast that wouldn't make my stomach turn when I was interrupted by a guy walking out of a building calling out my name. I knew this man from when I was here 2 years ago, but never ever expected him to remember me, there are hundreds of teams that flow through that building every year after all...but of everyone, after 2 years, this guy called out my name. He remembered my name.
When I was a teacher at a middle school, I would have classroom after classroom full of students, all staring at me on the first day as I read down the names on my roster, the entire time wondering how I'd ever remember their names...and sadly I was never the best at that, I can remember a face for years, but names don't stick with me unless I have some reason for it to stick with me. A memory, a victory, something has to happen for me to remember each of the names. This man remembered my name.
It wasn't until after a sweet Thai hug that I realized just what that meant to me. By this man that I remembered for all the things he did for my and my squad 2 years ago, I was remembered.
I have a horrid fear in life of being forgotten about, and at that moment I was experiencing a friend. A friend who expected nothing from me. A friend who was so excited to see me that he left his agenda that moment to simply say hi to me. I hadn't talked to him in nearly 2 years, and walking down the street, he noticed me, and came running to me, all in a moment where nothing else seemed to matter to him. He remembered me.
It wasn't until I was on a bus later that day thinking about those few moments that it had really sunk in just what that meant to me. I was remembered.
It was at that moment I felt like none of my worries mattered, I felt a loving embrace of someone that really I have never done anything for, I felt the excitement someone had just to see me again. Of all the people, he remembered me.
He remembered me.
In the crowd, he called out my name.
In the sea, He looked for me.
When admittedly, I wasn't looking for Him, He found me.
When I was walking down the street, He found me.
I'd done nothing for Him, He still remembered me.
I'm currently...get this...lost in Seoul, South Korea, and freezing cold, so I stopped into a coffee shop to...get this...try their coffee...I don't like coffee here either...but I tried. I wrote this blog on the plane on the way here....
I am currently somewhere over Russia on a plane to the opposite side of the world, with a struggle I always seem to battle with loneliness. Who do I know on this plane? Nobody. The guy next to me doesn't understand any English...and I know no Korean...great combination. The entire journey to get to Bangkok is going to take me somewhere around 34 hours...34 hours of not talking to anyone I know. 34 hours of dare I say introvert time? I don't actually know how to operate in that way anymore!
I'm not so keen on saying goodbye to people. Something about it just doesn't work for me. Maybe it's the extreme extrovert that screams from deep within me realizing it will be a loooong time before I have that place of relational security again. It could be the battle I have with loneliness. It's possible that I'm simply going to miss people, all over again in life. I had breakfast with my parents, and dinner with two great friends just before 4 other great friends took me to the airport. I would have it no other way, but in all honesty I'm not sure that was the best option. Smiles from me weren't easy as I said bye to those few people, instead thoughts of all I'd be missing out on overwhelmed me.
That's just what I do though. I struggle to balance this portion of life. On one hand, I love the people I've been doing life with. I love the consistency of it all. I promise this Thursday when I'm not playing cards or watching a movie with Erin and her family, I'll have a void deep within. When I hear that Matt is leading worship somewhere and I'm not there, something will be missing in me. When Caroline is eating sprinkles and I'm not there, another void will form. When I hear of ... Ok, you get the point ... Every single thing my friends and family do without me, something within me will cry out. Yet there's the other side of all of this. What if I stayed? What if I never did leave for Thailand? Well, the opposite would be true. Every time I heard about some children not having a home, something within me cries out. Every time I hear about another village needing love, something is missing. Every time another child is trafficked, something inside screams. It's a balance that wears me out. One that I never find peace in, but I know I'm doing the thing I need to be doing, even when it is coming at a cost.
I do life with some great people, I always have. In high school, college, North Carolina, then my World Race squad, the World Race staff, my Georgia people, and now Ray and Candace, an incredible couple I'll be doing life with in Thailand. I've said "goodbye" to my Georgian friends or parents and family for awhile, but when I'm back, I'll treasure the moments we're together all the more.
...and while I'm away I'll be scheming more strategy that will allow me to {actually} dominate in card games...sorry Coop (and s&s), you be goin down...
I'm not even sure where to start this blog...On one hand I'd like to open my mind, heart, and soul and pour it all over these words, and on the other I'd like to end it now with some pretty little poem or witty comments....oh well, here it goes....
People need love in their lives, without it our type goes crazy and insane. The Bible is filled with examples of people needing love, crying out for love, going to the edge of all things for love.
God is love.
Jesus came to Earth out of love.
Paul gave instructions for love.
David wrote books on love.
And still, from the very beginning of it all, man has always been in search of love, and still today, after all these years, after all these instructions, after all these examples and how-to's, we still struggle with finding love and satisfaction in our hearts. And worse yet, we push back love when it comes freely running at us full speed ahead.
A few weeks ago, I felt that God revealed something to me about myself. He said, "Mark, when you feel the least loved and the most lonely, it often coincides with the exact times that you aren't offering and pouring out love to those around you." WHAT? but...shouldn't...they...maybe...can't...argh...wait, what if He's right?
So then my cynical self tries to throw it back in His face (by the way, this is never a good idea...) and throw exact times that I'd like to say flip you, I can't love this or that person because of this or that situation...somehow during that I hoped that God would sit back and be blown away with my reasoning and say I'm right, snap his fingers and make things different, instead he simply said, love them. Love them.
Love them?
But...why am I the one that always has to initiate it, God? (uh oh...bad idea to go with that argument...)
Wait, Mark, YOU initiated it with Me?
Nope.
I loved you long before you knew me.
I loved you when you turned your back on me.
I was patient that time you walked away.
I claimed you when you ....
I protected you when...
I wrote your name when you...
I rejoiced over you when....
I choose you from the very beginning...
I extended grace every time you..
I ...
I ...
I ...
What part of that did you initiate? That was all before you even cared to acknowledge I existed...shall I go on?"
Ok, so I lost that one...I gained from it too though (so ultimately I win?). I came to a new level of understanding of God's love for us all. Since the very beginning, He's won the battle. He's chased and pursued us from long before we even existed. He loved us out of perfection in the garden, and He loves us out of perfection on the cross. He loves us in our suffering, He loves us when we turn our back. He's never given up on us. He's never turned his back on us. He loves us 100% right now. He's never been more fond of us. I'd like to think He loves me more now than he did 5...10...15...dare I say 30 years ago...but the truth is, His love has never changed or wavered. He loved me to the fullest before I was born, He loves me today with the exact same love...He never changes. I'm not being arrogant here, it goes for you too. He loves you to the fullest where you stand right now. With the exact situations you're faced with today.
All that said, I'm choosing some things to be different. I'm choosing to see the world differently.
To my family, thanks for loving me from before I was born, and never giving up on me.
To my friends, thanks for loving me before I realized it through my selfishness.
To my co-workers, thanks for loving me even when I messed up.
To my future wife, thanks for being patient as I figure out life a bit.
To those I've walked away from, sorry...and thanks for the grace you've extended
To those I've hurt along the journey, sorry...let's reconcile and walk onward in the Kingdom.
To those I never believed in, I'm sorry...I choose to see you through God's eyes now.
To God, thanks for the journey and the life of grace and love extended to me through all of the ME of it all.
Most of you know by now that I depart soon to go to Thailand for a long while, serving God in a few different ways. I couldn't do this alone, but instead have been invited to join an incredible couple that I met in 2008. I couldn't be more excited or honored that they've asked me to join them in Thailand for a season of life. Here's a short, "safe" version of their ministry in a video, if you'd like I can show you another version when I see you that goes more in depth in their ministry.
I still have a large financial need to conquer to make my time in Thailand happen, pray that the right people would join me in this! If you feel let to financially support me in this ministry, please do so by going to support.markstratmann.com (I'm still with Adventures in Missions for support and ministry covering during this time!)
If you would like to join Ray and Candace in their ministry directly, please contact me and I'll get you the information you need to prayerfully and financially support the amazing things they are doing in Thailand!
{ as a reminder, I'm migrating my official blog to www.markstratmann.com please go there and sign up for e-mail updates or RSS feed! }
You likely know the voices, the ones that come to you in your weakest
times. The voices that tell you everything that's wrong with you, your
life, your world, they keep you up at night. They tell you nothing
good, in fact, they're so darn convincing that you start to believe
them...or am I the only one?
I started off this week with a lack of sleep caused by these voices.
They attack me constantly as I lay down to sleep, reminding me of so
many things wrong...
You're not good enough
Thailand doesn't need you
Finances is always going to plague you
Your friends don't really like you
Loneliness is you
You're never going to look good
Nobody is ever going to love you
You cannot do anything successfully
Life is never going to go your way
You will never have energy
You are not healthy
I actually hope I'm off in left field on this and that I'm the only
one this ever happens to. I loose sleep with these things and I'm
friggin' over it.
I hear daily of someone else with health problems, someone else
dieing, someone else coming from a broken home, someone else
heart-broken, someone else loosing their mind....the list can go on and
on and on, but you get the point, we live in a jacked up broken world,
and I feel the weight of it a lot, and can't stop thinking of it in the
times I am the weakest.
The voice seems to be never ending, as Kris Vallotton refers to it
as lunch dates with the devil. He has a great series on Spiritual
Warfare, at one point talking about how we tend to listen to the
negative voice more than God's words that have been spoken over us. He
talks of how we allow the devil to use his only remaining weapon of
words, lies and deception against us, and how we need that to stop.
Why is it that we can hear the above phrases so much louder in our
head than the truths God's spoken over us? I'm convinced I'm not the
only one that does this, but I'm also declaring today that I'm not going
to allow it. Instead we need to speak into our own lives and others
truths. The convincing words of the devil need to be the very thing
used against him...
You ARE good enough, in fact, there's nobody better for this than
you
Thailand does need me
I'm not a pauper, but my God has finances of a King, and I'm his
child
My friends don't know what to do without me (ok, so that's a little
overboard...hah!)
Life of fullness is screaming inside of me
Damn, I look good (also a little overboard, but you get the point...
haha!)
People love me, and I am not going to be lonely.
Success follows me wherever I go
Life isn't supposed to go 'my way' but instead where He goes I'll
go...
I cannot wait to take on this day full of energy and life from the
ultimate provider
I walk in ever increasing health
The list needs to go on, but for your sake of already being bored to
tears if you've made it this long, I'll stop!
I simply know that I've allowed the attacks to seep into my life for
too long, and it's time to regain territory in this! I'm no longer
taking the voice of the enemy to heart, but I'm going to listen to the
voice of God instead...as one of my favorite bands, needtobreathe, puts it:
Oh, this is the way I wanna go down
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you
This is the way I wanna go out
I never second-guesssed the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper, that sounded like a scream
I aint never felt so free
That whisper that sounded like a scream? that's the one I want to
follow...and I've never felt so free!
If you know me much at all, you know I'm a people person. I thrive
on doing life with people, and when there's no people around me I
somewhat go crazy. I see myself as a very adaptable person, with
changes in my social circle that happen every few years ever since I can
remember. It started in 2nd grade when I had my first real move, as
non-traumatic as it was, my family moved to a new neighborhood, I went
to a new school, and terrorized a new set of neighbors. It was a great
neighborhood where there were kids my age to hang out with, a great
circle block to make tons of noise with my baseball-card-in-the-spokes
bike. It was fun for the 5 or so years we lived there, and then the
moving continued in 6th grade, and again in high school…none of which
were huge changes, all moves were within a few miles of each other, but
it did create the need to meet new friends that were an easy walk up or
down the street to hang out with.
After college a move to North Carolina noted a more significant
transition. I left the city I'd spent 22 years in. I left 22 years
worth of family, friends and memories to move 600 miles away into the
unknown. It wasn't always the easiest of moves, but it forced me to
grow up a lot in life and become more independent. I spent those 4 1/2
years building a life, a community of friends, a career, was involved in
a great church; it was a time in life I often want to go back and
revisit, absolutely a time I would like to go back to knowing what I
know now. But I can't. That season has gone.
That season came to an end at
the end of 2007 and I knew I had to move on. I was feeling like a
caged bird that needed to fly away. I went straight into the transient
life of a world traveler, joining The World Race for 11 months, jumping
from one country to another every month, circling the globe serving
various communities and doing ministry literally around the globe. I
had to leave the life and community that I had worked hard to build in
North Carolina and again needed to jump into some intense community with
27 different people to do life with. While I argue that my World Race
Squad (January 2008) is absolutely the best squad that's ever existed,
it wasn't always easy watching "my people" from Ohio or North Carolina
living out their lives and moving on. I watched updates on Facebook of
their cookouts and often was guilty of being jealous that they were at
the park while I was sweating and pretending to be miserable in India. I
wasn't easy missing a good friend's wedding, family vacation, hearing
my friends move on and make new friends, it wasn't easy realizing that
the season of life I was in there had to end.
After coming off the race, I spent some time in North Carolina again,
but it wasn't natural, I felt like a fish out of water. I knew it
wasn't where I needed to be landing. I quickly found myself living in
Michigan working for The World Race and doing life with a new group of
people yet again (well, some new, some from my squad…technicality…). It
was a great season, there's hardly a night that I don't miss hanging
out with the Essmakers, scheming things with Ryan, or the rest of the
Cross Current Church clan. I remember the day that it was announced
that the World Race office there was moving to be with the rest of the
AIM offices in Georgia…it didn't resonate well with me. I didn't
want to uproot and leave again. I wasn't ready. I liked it there. I
liked the people I was with. It started a mini-battle within me.
On the inside I kicked and screamed until I agreed to go to Georgia. I
knew it wasn't a place I would be for long, but that I needed to be here
for awhile. It's proven to be a time marked with greatness. It has
allowed me to grow deeper with some of the World Race community. I've
had some time to actually sit and reflect on the past couple years,
realizing who I am and what I value in life. I've recently reconnected
with a friend I had in North Carolina…a friend who I only knew on a
surface level there has quickly become a close and well trusted friend
who I'd not trade for anything…I've come to realize those people I do
life with that will always be in my corner when the battle gets tough.
I've started weeding through some of what defines me, who I want to pour into, and who I
want to pour into me. It's a time that I wouldn't trade for anything,
even though I fought it for as long as I could.
Yet again, transition must happen. When I finally made the commitment
to go to Thailand, it felt right. It's been my passion since I left
there in 2008, and I knew I've needed to go back…so once again, a new
season of life is beginning. I'm going to have a hard time leaving my
"Georgia People" to go to Thailand, but it's what I need to do. I must
let go of another season, clinging to the people I've grown close to and
praying that when I come back they're still with me, whether our lives
settle down in the same city again or not, there are simply some people I
just want to do life with. I'm going to miss these people. A lot.
In life, seasons come and seasons go. Summer is full of life, fall the
weather cools off and the trees loose their leaves. Winter comes and
blows their leaves away and causes lots of natural things that bring
growth and life to the trees so that new life can come out of those
trees in the spring. I pray that this transition to Thailand brings out
the winter in my life, that it blows the weighty green leaves out of
the way so that new life and stronger growth can come in the spring!
After college a move to North Carolina noted a more significant
transition. I left the city I'd spent 22 years in. I left 22 years
worth of family, friends and memories to move 600 miles away into the
unknown. It wasn't always the easiest of moves, but it forced me to
grow up a lot in life and become more independent. I spent those 4 1/2
years building a life, a community of friends, a career, was involved in
a great church; it was a time in life I often want to go back and
revisit, absolutely a time I would like to go back to knowing what I
know now. But I can't. That season has gone.
had to leave the life and community that I had worked hard to build in
North Carolina and again needed to jump into some intense community with
27 different people to do life with. While I argue that my World Race
Squad (January 2008) is absolutely the best squad that's ever existed,
it wasn't always easy watching "my people" from Ohio or North Carolina
living out their lives and moving on. I watched updates on Facebook of
their cookouts and often was guilty of being jealous that they were at
the park while I was sweating and pretending to be miserable in India. I
wasn't easy missing a good friend's wedding, family vacation, hearing
my friends move on and make new friends, it wasn't easy realizing that
the season of life I was in there had to end.
After coming off the race, I spent some time in North Carolina again,
but it wasn't natural, I felt like a fish out of water. I knew it
wasn't where I needed to be landing. I quickly found myself living in
Michigan working for The World Race and doing life with a new group of
people yet again (well, some new, some from my squad…technicality…). It
was a great season, there's hardly a night that I don't miss hanging
out with the Essmakers, scheming things with Ryan, or the rest of the
Cross Current Church clan. I remember the day that it was announced
that the World Race office there was moving to be with the rest of the
AIM 
offices in Georgia…it didn't resonate well with me. I didn't
want to uproot and leave again. I wasn't ready. I liked it there. I
liked the people I was with. It started a mini-battle within me. 